Letting Go of the GAVEL!

Who handed us the gavel and why do we accept it? Why is becoming the Judge so appealing for us?

I find myself, usually quite subtly, needing to judge other folks. Sometimes it’s behaviors, other times a position they have taken or even their manner of dress, etc.  I seldom verbalize my judgments these days (and seem to take pride in that!) but am becoming more and more conscious of my non-spoken thoughts! What drives that need to judge others and, equally as important, how does that thinking stifle all that this Sneaky God is hoping to gift me with?

In an effort to eventually better understand my own need to pass judgment, I have also begun to listen more carefully to the judgments being made by other folks around me but have found that this in itself can become fertile ground for judging! In one situation my less-than-healthy response provided me with some challenging material to sort through.

I was reintroduced to a couple I had participated with in a group discussion a few weeks earlier. A young person walked by with very artistic, multi-colored tattoos covering both arms. Within seconds one of my new acquaintances made a clicking sound and remarked, “Isn’t that ridiculous, spending a fortune covering themselves with ink just to draw attention to themselves?”

Here comes my alienating, sarcastic response. “How did you respond?” I asked. Both folks looked at me rather confused. The person who made the comment asked, “What do you mean, how did I respond?”

“When the woman with the tattoos initially asked you to pay for her tattoos?”

A stifling, extremely awkward silence ensued! Within moments I received what I perceived as a hybrid stare of embarrassment and anger, neither of which is fertile ground for building relationships, insight, understanding, or growth on either side of the newly constructed barrier, of which I was the engineer! They quickly exited, leaving me alone to ponder my own judgment of the person making the original comment and my thoroughly unhelpful response.

A second encounter happened recently as a few of us were admiring the artistic talents of a fellow resident who chose to offer several of his creations at very reasonable prices, stating clearly that all of the money would be donated to a local animal shelter. Two of the folks next to me started a conversation questioning why a person would choose to donate the proceeds to an animal shelter when there were “so many far more important and deserving charities in need of support”, such as one her daughter supports that helps with treatment costs for children with cancer. Maybe it was my wrinkled forehead or they somehow sensed I was uncomfortable, but I suddenly found them both staring at me. How would I respond this time?

“I consider the artist and his wife friends of mine,” I said, “and have become quite familiar with their sensitivity and concern for two abandoned cats in our neighborhood.  They have been feeding and attempting to care for those cats for several years. Responding and caring for injured or abandoned animals obviously is quite important for both of them. I would suggest when you get a chance to introduce yourself to them and get to know them, you will experience two very sensitive and interesting people.” I’m not optimistic that either one will follow through with my suggestion, but I did feel much better about this response than my sarcastic question in the previous example!

I expect the driving forces behind our need to judge others varies considerably based on a wide variety of factors.  Drawing on my own ongoing struggle to address both long-standing and more recently discovered patterns of judging others along with what I managed to glean from the brave folks who sought my counsel over the past fifty years, I offer the following observations.

Each of us have woven a variety of perspectives and insecurities into our understanding of this huge ball of dirt we live on and more importantly the wide variety of folks with whom we share it. We often credit (or possibly blame) the significant others in our early and formative years for the perspectives we choose to carry into our daily journey. I purposefully used the word “choose” because we do make that choice each day, unintentionally or intentionally! 

I have come to believe strongly that within myself and for those who have invited me into their journey that our fears and varied insecurities have stood in the way of our opportunities to name and begin to unpack those early perspectives and messages. If we fail to do that, which honestly can be quite challenging, we begin to build justifications and distorted reasoning to shore up our unconfronted and unpacked messages which gradually becomes isolating baggage! This then becomes very fertile ground for judgment which creates the space and distance to build the barriers, walls and fences which now make our need to judge “the other” even more necessary for us.  

We then gradually began to associate more and more with folks who think and judge much the same as we do! We create a self-affirming and self-fulfilling circle or group.  Now we have the false sense of security that comes with numbers that compensates for our growing lack of inner security. Any group that moves toward or subtly expects exclusivity becomes a breeding ground for various forms of judgement!

The opposite is also true, any gathering of folks or possibly seekers, that embrace inclusivity are forced to confront and challenge those understandings that provide us with a false sense of security. In an inclusive, diverse group we have a climate and the support to begin dismantling the isolating and dehumanizing judgments that stifle our growth and overall health. What this offers us if we choose to seek this path will be the focus of our October post!

QUESTIONS FOR DEEPENING THE JOURNEY

1. Do you accept the fact that recognizing or acknowledging that we harbor judgments or prejudices towards others is often the most difficult step in this challenge, even if we only acknowledge that to ourselves? Why do you think that is true?
2. What judgements or prejudices you have been handed or acquired during your life journey that you are still carrying? Do you make an intentional effort to root out these judgments? Why or why not?
3. What if you saw every negative judgment you made of others not as an occasion to judge yourself, but as an opportunity to identify a barrier to love and acceptance you still carry? How might you grow?
4. When have you been the object of judgment? How did that feel? Does remembering that experience help you to let go of your judgments of others?
5. What do you think is the best response to other people’s judgmentalism? Ignore it? Confront it and if so, how? What would be your reaction if you were on the receiving end of that response?
6. Do you believe deep within your being that if we choose to root out or dismantle a negative judgment towards ourselves or others we may experience a “jarring joy” that has the potential to transform our life journey far beyond our understanding or imagination? Do you believe the Sneaky God committed to accompanying us on this self-exploratory journey is the designer of this “jarring joy”?

Your Journey Challenge

• In the next week, make an intentional effort to notice at least one time you have a negative judgment about another person or persons and then consider why you feel this way. 
• Was this something you learned from others? 
• What stories are attached to this judgment? 
• What alternate stories might be true that make their behavior more understandable? (i.e. What might that rude cashier have just gone through that made them snappy with you? )
• What life experiences might have made someone withdrawn or ‘attention seeking’?