Life’s Crap

None of us gets through life without encountering our share of hardship, adversity, pain, frustration, loss, and a whole bunch of other crap that we’d prefer to avoid. In fact, sometimes it can feel like life is nothing but crap!

Before we go any further, this is probably a good spot to put something on “the table” that has been showing up in feedback from time to time. On occasion a few followers of my blog have politely shared that they find some of my references, adjectives, etc. a bit “earthy” and to some degree “possibly, slightly offensive or inappropriate”! I always appreciate the honest feedback please keep it coming. Trust me, I have tried and will continue to give serious consideration to your feedback.

However, sometimes these “colorful” or out-of-place words express what I’m getting at better than what you might be used to hearing in Sunday school. A good example is my occasional reference to a “Sneaky God.” A few folks have felt that is sacrilegious or irreverent. I certainly understand but to me, it best describes how God is constantly escaping any box, definition, or expectation I have about who God is or where or how God will show up. I count on God sneaking up on me when I least expect it and often when I need it the most! 

“Adversity” and “hardship” are perfectly good words, but they can also feel a little abstract and antiseptic. More often than not the “challenges” we face are messy, dirty, and downright nasty. Sometimes things just feel like crap and no other word will quite do! But even more important than its descriptive punch is the profound, life-changing metaphor “crap” offers.

When we think of the unpleasant things in life as crap, that opens the door to the idea that much of the difficult stuff we face each day contains the potential to become the richest fertilizer for our own personal growth—if we have the courage and foresight to accept that possibility. 

For me personally, this realization has been a slow and gradual learning process. It’s a statement that’s fairly easy to say but much more challenging to implement!

One of the observations I have made over the years as I have attempted, with varying levels of success, to integrate this philosophy into my daily life is never to attempt to embrace this model as a means of avoiding or limiting the pain and discomfort that comes with crisis, loss, diagnosis, increasing limitations, change, etc.!  I have learned that accepting the pain and discomfort—physical and emotional—rather than trying to minimize it is actually essential for the growth process.   

We have become a society that is obsessed with avoiding pain! That obsession has driven the pharmaceutical industry’s profit margins to inconceivable heights. Obviously, because of my profession, I have seen a variety of medications prescribed to treat several major diagnoses. If the diagnosis is primarily a chemical imbalance, such as bipolar disorder, medication can be effective in many cases. In treating depression some antidepressants have helped patients enter into and benefit from psychotherapy.  

My concern is when the patient continues with the medication as a sole means of treatment and refuses to commit to therapy in order to identify and work through underlying issues, “the crap that that holds the potential to become the richest fertilizer for our personal growth!” This could be fear, anger, guilt, or another emotion or experience that has the potential to hamstring us from exploring and pursuing a much healthier life while accessing gifts and opportunities that otherwise may never be realized.

Saying there is an opportunity for growth embedded in difficulty is in no way minimizing or negating the emotional pain, at all levels, each of us face on a regular basis. Whether it’s brought on by a degrading comment, an unexpected diagnosis for ourself or someone close to us, or some other trauma, it is extremely important that we don’t underestimate the potential emotional pain involved for ourselves or more importantly for others!

A critical discovery for me personally was that the incident itself and how we ourselves or others may label it, minor or major, does not determine the potential self-growth it may hold. Even “small” challenges may lead to large insights, breakthroughs, or evolution. Part of that discovery was also to not decide ahead of time the direction or the extent of personal growth it may offer. This Sneaky God I refer to in my writings who promises to be with us through life’s peaks and lowest valleys often has big surprises in store for us!

Actually, watching this amazing process unfold is one of the main reasons I continue to provide counseling services. A long-time colleague recently light-heartedly asked me if I ever plan to retire from my part-time practice.

I took the question seriously, reflecting for a few moments before replying, “As long as my clients continue to invite me into their life journeys and feel I can be helpful and supportive I will continue. But it isn’t a one-way street. Their courage and gumption empower me to grow and approach the crap I encounter with hope and optimism. By inviting me into their journey I can, in essence, use that reinforcement to help increase the potential growth in my own life journey!”

One of the biggest challenges for me personally is asking for help when I find myself in a painful spot. Why is that? Does asking for help mean I am weak and less of a “man”? Many of the early messages from my childhood begin to surface like someone hit the replay button! “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!”  “Act like a man!” “Don’t be a sissy!”

Every time I go through difficulty and those messages come up, I have another opportunity to challenge them again. After all, now that I’m the one hitting the replay button, shouldn’t I be sure the messages are ones I agree with and want to listen to? 

So, what does it mean to be a “real man”? What is true strength? Is there more learning and growth potential if we allow someone to accompany us on the healing journey or power through alone? Is revealing vulnerability a sign of weakness or possibly a sign of strength? Why do I counsel others to seek help and support when they are faced with troubles, but hold myself to a different standard?

When I remind myself of the tremendous gifts I’ve gotten when I have reached out for help in the past (or when I’ve seen a client do the same), it’s a bit easier to ignore those old messages and slowly those limiting internal voices get quieter. Each time I grow a little more in my ability to value myself even with my flaws and needs, and to trust others to love me even if I’m not “strong” and invincible. Apparently, it is a lesson I need to keep relearning!

Sometimes even seemingly “positive” events can have a “crappy” backlash that takes us by surprise. I have witnessed this many times in counseling when clients have made what they believe to be a good decision and suddenly experience some level of grief, insecurity, guilt, etc. afterwards! For instance, folks leaving a job they don’t enjoy any longer for a new position that seems to better fit their skill set may feel an unexpected sense of grief, suddenly realizing the depth of friendships that that they are leaving behind.  

If this is explored rather than ignored, it can prompt them to reevaluate the value of their remaining relationships and hopefully reinvest in those relationships and begin sharing more often with those friends how much they appreciate having them as friends. Once again this does not take away the pain of loss but it can give a deeper appreciation for the friendships we still are blessed with and increase our commitment to investing in potential relationships in the new setting.

A recent loss that just hit me early yesterday morning and wasn’t easy for me to sort through or understand was the sale and settlement of our rental apartment building a few days ago. Rita and I owned and managed this four-unit apartment building for well over thirty years.  As anyone who has owned and managed apartments can tell you, it seems like there are always things to be repaired or replaced, vacancies, an occasional difficult tenant, or some other unexpected crap to contend with!

So, when we finally signed the sales agreement and left the office, we both expressed a sense of relief. Then suddenly, the next day, I began to question our decision to sell even though we will be moving to a retirement community in the fall. Where did this come from? As I examined the feeling, I realized it wasn’t so much grief as it was insecurity! A feeling which is very difficult for Terry Lieb to acknowledge! (There again, my upbringing as a fearless “old-school coal cracker” is jumping out!)  

I realized this decision to sell what had been a part of our financial security was shaking my sense of financial security and unfortunately my overall sense of security! I have taken pride in the fact that I have—after a long, hard struggle—actually accepted what I have preached to others for years: that money and our material possessions are actually a false sense of security when our actual security is in this Sneaky God who’s promised to unconditionally accept, celebrate, and always be present to accompany us on our life journey!  

Obviously, it is time, once again, to revisit that declaration! Maybe I’m not as unshakably sure as I thought I was! And once again, it is discomfort—or in my terminology, life’s “crap”—that, when acknowledged, explored, and plumbed for its potential lessons, is offering the potential for significant self-examination and growth. I know that if I can seize this opportunity to identify and claim my true source of security, my faith will come out stronger and deeper on the other end. 

While I certainly don’t enjoy or seek out difficulty when I can avoid it, I am coming to appreciate more and more how turning the inevitable crap we face into compost can create a flourishing garden that simply can’t be achieved any other way!

QUESTIONS FOR DEEPENING THE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

1. When you encounter difficulty, do you try to avoid or deny the painful emotions it creates? If so, does that make it easier? What might you be missing by not acknowledging the pain?
2. Thinking back on some of the hardest experiences you have had, did you learn or grow as a result, even if you didn’t realize it at the time? Do you think your patience, compassion, or ability to forgive were expanded? Did you grow in other ways?
3. When you have experienced loss, has it made you more appreciative of what you had and what remains, or bitter and/or despondent? Do you think your response is a choice?
4. What effect have hard times had on your faith? Have they strengthened or challenged it? Why?
5. What are some of the most recent “crappy” experiences you have had? Did any have rich fertilizing potential? Did you take advantage of it?
6. Do you believe that by accompanying another person during a difficult period you too might be blessed with fertile soil for personal growth? Have you experienced this?
7. Are there life lessons you think you have overcome only to find them cropping up again later? Do you appreciate the opportunity to keep working on them?