Freeing Myself Up to Listen Better

Living within a community of 2500 people is quite different than living on a few acres out in the woods! There are certainly advantages and disadvantages to both. One of the big differences is that the opportunity for interaction with a wide diversity of people is endless, creating fertile ground for new and ongoing dialogue. I was recently part of a conversation in an informal, small group setting which slowly and somewhat cautiously migrated to the participants’ concerns regarding the present political climate. Several folks began attacking a variety of politicians on “both sides of the fence,” both past and present.

About the time I decided to exit the group, a rather opinionated member challenged me, “Terry, aren’t you going to weigh in on the topic?” Since my position on the present political climate usually met with criticism, judgement and misunderstanding, I have been opting out of sharing my” three cents”!

After a few very deep breaths, I began sharing that my concern about the division within our country was increasing every day and that I did not want to be affiliated with any specific political party for this reason. That comment derailed the conversation immediately and drew some diverse and at times what felt like disapproving questions! I could actually feel the anxiety rising within the room and rather quickly there was a growing consensus that—ironically—appeared to unite all of them temporarily!

I listened carefully and wrote down their questions and what felt like judgements and or accusations. Several folks looked quite puzzled that I was taking notes! It seemed like my note taking actually began to stall the questions. It quickly became dead silent and after a few seconds of this awkward pause, I thanked them for their questions, comments, and even their judgements.  I then asked them if they wanted me to respond to their specific questions and/or comments?  I realized it was a loaded question but it’s an important one when you are about to confront someone.

When they indicated that they would like me to respond, I started with the questions/comments in the order I wrote them down.

“Of all people, I find it hard to believe that you can’t make up your mind!”

“Actually I understand your reaction,” I replied, “because most folks I talk with or listen to basically only see two opinions: Democrat or Republican, Liberal or Conservative. However, I don’t believe the division is that clear-cut, and thinking it is leads to both sides being uninterested or unwilling to listen to the other on specific issues and explore some areas that may possibly be acceptable to both sides. The party identification encourages conflict and division rather than cooperation and finding common ground.

“For me personally, when I was affiliated with a political party, I found there was a strong compulsion—whether external or internal, conscious or unconscious, subtle or not-so-subtle—to ‘go along with’ the entire platform of the party without actually wrestling with the issue myself and making an independent judgment on it. Sometimes I can see party affiliation leading people to overlook questionable or downright immoral behavior when it is from someone on ‘their’ side. And even when I tried to resist the urge, it encouraged me to get caught in an ‘us vs. them’ mentality, where I began to see the other side, not just as having a different perspective, but in some sense being ‘the enemy’.

Please trust me, making a decision to not align totally with one of the two major parties, but choosing to think and act independently, was a major decision and produced even more judgement and criticism than I imagined! To be honest, it has been consistent with my experience here today!”

“I know where you stand on the two issues that are important to me and would only fit with one party.”

“Learning why people have chosen the political party affiliation they have has been something I have been very curious about and hearing folks explain how they arrived at that position has been very enlightening! Over time listening and asking questions for clarification I discovered that their alignment with either party was often based on primarily one or two issues that they had very strong feelings about. It could have been rooted in their faith tradition, personal life experience, or their parent’s or grandparent’s party affiliation! If I attempted to explore their feelings about their party’s positions on various other issues, some folks looked like deer in the headlights, gave canned responses, or simply said, “that one isn’t on my concern list”! Again, in my opinion, focusing on only one or two contentious issues may lead us to ignore any possible shared beliefs or goals.”

“What are you afraid of?”

I was sure that the question meant what I was I afraid of which was stopping me from “picking a side” but I chose to respond somewhat differently.

“My greatest fear which has surpassed any other political issue, is my fear of how families, friends, communities and our country are rapidly becoming divided!  An increasing number of people have been hurt in various ways and even sometimes killed based on this division. I have seen so many ‘real-world’ tragedies as a result.

“In my counseling practice, I have begun seeing “Red-Blue” marriage counseling referrals, which is a first in my fifty years as a therapist. One partner is heavily invested in one party while their partner is equally invested in the “other” party. This alignment has created extreme stress and conflict and may bleed over into a wide variety of issues, including everything from child rearing to financial investment! Some couples have separated; others have actually divorced!

“I’ve witnessed segments of families who have completely stopped communicating with each other and even demanded that their children do the same! Actually, I have experienced some level of hope when occasionally minors have refused to stop communicating with their cousins or did it without their parents’ knowledge! Who here is the healthier, the restricting parents or the non-compliant children?”

You ask me, what am I afraid of? I’m afraid of a society where party affiliation creates instant judgment, shuts down listening and compassion, and encourages treating others as enemies rather than fellow citizens of this ‘United’ States we are blessed to live in. One tangible way I am trying to heal this division is to stop identifying as Red or Blue, Democrat or Republican, liberal or conservative, but instead to see myself as just an American—or better yet, simply human!

QUESTIONS FOR DEEPENING THE JOURNEY

1. Do you ever have a knee-jerk negative reaction to someone when you learn their political affiliation? Are you comfortable with this level of judgment?
2. Can you tell when someone is listening to you with a real desire to understand you versus argue/convince/change your mind? What does that difference feel like?
3. Do you feel that your party is a large part of your identity? What are the benefits of strong party identification? What are the drawbacks/dangers? What would giving up that identification feel like/allow/disallow?
4. Do you believe a two-party system is healthy for us as a country? Why or why not?
5. What makes it difficult to briefly, even for a few minutes, set our own opinions aside and truly listen to the other person’s reasons for choosing the position they did? Is listening an indication of strength or weakness?
6. Do you feel/sense your “Higher Power” (which I refer to as my Sneaky God) encourages you to listen or not listen to others?

CHALLENGE: Commit to listening to someone whose opinion differs from yours on an issue you care about without any attempt to challenge, persuade, or convert. Simply listen to understand their perspective and how they came to it. How does this experience feel? Did it differ from how conversations around contentious issues usually go? Did you learn anything new about them, the issue, or yourself?